With all the money, stylists, designers, and the like, how can Hollywood still turn out this many ladies looking this wrong? Most of them are physically fit, and therefore have a great frame to start with, and yet, still waaaaay miss the mark. How do you assess a woman and her dress? First, look at body type–in that industry, it’s filled with mostly curvy, tiny or statuesque Barbies; second, coloring; third,  age; fourth, personal style/ brand.

See if you agree with my suggestions– taking some part element of the attire and picking a vintage alternative… giving deference to the longest-established ladies first:

Meryl Streep, January 15, 2012

Meryl Streep- The woman is the female Laurence Olivier, the pinnacle of her game, and unquestionably, one of the most talented and luminescent women on the planet. At the end of the day, she could wear the proverbial burlap sack, and doubtful anyone would think any less of her. But what’s up with the hint of cowboy up top on her Golden Globe get-up? It’s distracting and detracting from her radiance. The overall shape of the dress is age-appropriate, sophisticated, and lady-like, but why not go for something with lapels and a less casual neckline, a bit more like this, perhaps:

Photographer: Richard Avedon, dress designed by Omar Kiam for Ben Reig, appeared in March 1948 Harpers Bazaar

Helen Mirren, January 15, 2012

Helen Mirren is another actress who can do nearlyt no wrong, and bloody hell, who wouldn’t want to look as fab as her at her maturity. Normally, she is spot on with her wardrobe choices: color, shape and the rest of it, but her 2012 outfit didn’t do it for me. The top bit too baggy, and too busy on the bottom half. The overall shape was ok, and the color is very becoming, but she’s donned many a prettier dress. Immediately thought of her when I saw the following–the one in the middle would be especially becoming for Ms. Mirren–whether in silver or deep sapphire.

Vogue, September 15, 1948- photographer: Horst, dresses by Eta, jewels by Trabert & Hoeffer, Mauboussin

You must admire the chutzpah of a gal who marches to the beat of her own drummer, and maybe it’s my knee-jerk desire to see those who are part of this ‘world’ to fall in line with the rest of the glamor conga-line, but why is it something always looks a bit ‘off’ with Tilda Swinton? This color is good for an ice queen–presumably that’s what she’s trying to embody? She’s got a lovely figure, and is a marvelous actress–with her own decided brand of flair.  However, despite this attempt to be more glamorous than previous showings, something feels off kilter. Is it just me? And was that lapel on the right intended to behave that way?

Tilda Swinton, January 15, 2012

Here’s my choice for Tilda, staying with her stature and style, but shoring up the ‘off’ feeling I get (and I imagine this is full length in a structured but not immobile fabric):

You know she’d rock the hell out of that headdress and that’d save us from trying to figure out what’s up with the hair situation.

Piper Parabou, January 15, 2012

For the younger ladies, the stand-out stinker was Piper Perabo in a transparent grey shower curtain. At least she was having fun, I’ll give her that, but my goodness, are there about a million choices she should have opted for before this thing. She might also have considered using this for what it looks like: undergarments.

Why not go with something like: or

Photographer: Richard Avedon, designed by Christian Dior, Harper’s Bazaar, June 1948

or even go plain-Jane, but pick a flattering color, and for goodness-sake, keep it classy.

1948 hostess dress, still better than lots of formal wear of 2012

Amanda Peet, another gal in her 30’s, opted for this frilly layered thing:

Amanda Peet, January 15, 2012

I’m all for re-purposing items that are no longer useful, but how many girls’ Holly Hobby lampshades were slaughtered for this? Yes, rail thin girls can sometimes get away with this tiered/ bulk-adding look, but to go layered, plus white, plus sheer be-speckled with  flocked(?) flowers, plus one-shoulder, plus dividing ribbons. No, no, no–if she had to go tiered, how about this  vintage Adrian that would have looked pretty fab on her gorgeous frame–in a deep emerald or a lush dark ruby pink:

Vogue, March 15, 1948

Zooey Deschanel, January 15, 2012

And a bit younger still, Zooey Deschanel’s black/green/sparkly sheath just made me wrinkle my nose.

And though, unlike others, her hair looked lovely, was it was the right choice with that dress? How about something with a reminiscent neckline, put some shape back at the waist and go with something like this:

Vogue, April 1, 1946

The ad says this design was presented in pale blue, and with Zooey’s alabaster skin and bright blue eyes, it’d be a slam dunk.

And last, but certainly not least, Kelly Osbourne…

Kelly Osbourne, January 15, 2012

She is a sweet, playful girl, who seems like tons of fun and once I could stop staring at her head (grey and spackled it into place?), I winced at the full outfit. Darling, you’re a curvy little bit of business, and undoubtedly more fun than a barrel of monkeys. Why not go with something that celebrates all that, rather than trying to look so bloody severe? You’d be adorable in something like this:

Photographer: Richard Avedon, designer: Schiaparelli, Harper’s Bazaar, June 1948

And for good measure, thought I’d throw in some fab footwear and accessories of yesteryear. Anyone else over some of the clunky clodhopper current choices?

March 1948, Harper’s Bazaar

Vogue, September 15, 1948

Harper’s Bazaar, March 1948

Vogue, September 15, 1948

Vogue, September 15, 1948

One response to “Ladies Lounge: 2012 Golden Globes, Reimagined Worst to Best”

  1. Irmgard Burford says:

    Born and raised in Germany by a seamstress I was exposed to fashions at an early age. My mother actually sewed for Eva Brown, Hitlers’ wife. Love fashions and loved your pictures adn comments…awesome job

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