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I’m a traditionalist when it comes to siding. I like brick and/or wood. You can add some other stone varieties in there when it comes to commercial buildings…but otherwise I’m strictly a brick and/or wood man. Stucco is ok. Adobe is good for certain parts of the country but rare in Indiana. But there are several that I just can’t stand.

My least favorite types of siding in no particular order…

Cement block

  • If the exterior of your building (especially the facade) is made with cement block, that says, I’m lazy, I’m cheap and I may have spent time in prison.

Asphalt shingle

  • It’s not real brick, it doesn’t look like real brick. Save it for the roof you moron.

Steel

  • Although it improves my TV reception and allows for endless fun with magnets, I’m afraid I’d fry like bacon in a lightning storm. (I’m looking at you Lustron fans)

Asbestos

  • Does nothing but tell the world that you have no desire to live.

Vinyl

  • One time I accidentally put a piece of Tupperware in the oven. Think about that and global warming. Good luck.

Aluminum

  • Sure, it lasts a long time, but if you live in an urban area like I do, you might as well cover your house with gold because that stuff is going to get stolen.

Stone veneer

  • I once had several veneers applied to my teeth. They’ve since all fallen off. You might want to invest in a lifetime supply of duct tape. You’re going to need it.

Animal skins

  • Animals are cuddly and good to eat. I just don’t trust an animal that I killed to protect me from the elements. That’s about as reliable as asking the ice cream man to babysit your kids.

Spray on vinyl

Astroturf

  • Say what? Yes, you read that right. The New Yorker Bar on East New York St. has out-done itself and sided portions of the building in Astroturf. I have a feeling the owner lost a bet with the guy that drives this. Dear New Yorker, I love what you’ve done to the place. It’s so…fuzzy.

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